


The trick is not to fight

by Taste_of_Suburbia



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Catatonia, Deathfic, Don't pay too much attention to the tags, Family, Flashbacks, Guilty Castiel, It really depends on how the individual reader perceives this, M/M, Melancholic Castiel, Possible Hallucinations, Romance, Taunting Gabriel, Tragedy, implied suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-12
Updated: 2013-04-12
Packaged: 2017-12-08 07:14:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/758571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taste_of_Suburbia/pseuds/Taste_of_Suburbia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe if Gabriel were here right now he would tell him to go for it; but the truth is, Castiel never did go for it, and he hardly thinks it’s the thought that counts now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The trick is not to fight

**Author's Note:**

> AU set after ‘Goodbye Stranger.’ Deathfic.

"Dean."

Dean's eyes are open but they're not responsive, no fluttering of his eyelashes or exhaled half breath to prove that he indeed is alive and merely out of it enough to not recognize the angel's presence. His hand lingers above the hunter's forehead and rather than a feverish heat that he feels terrified to admit he does not feel, there is a deepening cold that emanates from every pore of him, unwavering and rendering Castiel nearly speechless. 

He remembers seeing Gabriel's lifeless eyes flash into his mind, imprinting themselves onto his vision momentarily before they black out, never to be seen again. He was not able to see Gabriel's stark, disintegrating body, to see it dissolve into ash and dust, to whisper the final word of 'farewell', praying it would reach his brother somewhere even though he knew it would not. 

‘Don’t fret, Castiel. You can’t miss me that much anyway. Just look after Deano, hell knows someone needs to.’

He can recall the look upon Dean's face after it happened, the despair hidden deep within him though it still shone slightly in his hazel orbs that Sam couldn't read, that if Sam could read there would have been no way that he could understand. Maybe in another reality, maybe in another time and place where Dean wouldn't feel fear and experience guilt and have Gabriel firmly imprinted in his most important memories, where Castiel wouldn't be right there and then suddenly gone in the blink of an eye, where Dean wouldn't depend on him so much that he makes Castiel so happy and feel so loved and yet so sorry all at the same time. 

Castiel relives every day the way Gabriel would look at Dean: as a prize, trying to hide his involvement in Dean's life, putting too much effort into it that it was a surprise the hunter couldn't see. Castiel could see though, he could see Gabriel's smile even though it was invisible to Dean, and even though he wasn't there he could feel their fingers brush the last moment Dean would ever seen Gabriel again. And every single moment when he is with Dean, Castiel looks at him in the same way, though Dean can't see it, and he can imagine Gabriel egging him on and grinning at him because he views his brother as an idiot for not knowing that he knows, for thinking that he's jealous even though Gabriel is, jealous that is, because that's who Gabriel is and Castiel smiles and frowns at the same time, and laughs quietly inside and then cries until too much of him hurts and he feels that he has gone far past anything that could bring him back down to sanity. 

'What are you waiting for? He's right there, baby bro. Standing there right in front of you, like he always is. What the hell are you waiting for? Cause you know I ain't coming back.' 

He suspects Gabriel is telling him to go for it, but how can he do that now when Dean is lying here motionless and Castiel can't remember a moment of him before this and he doesn't understand yet somehow does of why the hunter is so still and the light is gone from his eyes and Castiel never truly went for it and Dean doesn't care now, wouldn't care now, probably isn't even thinking of him now wherever he is?

And no matter how long the angel's eyes bore into his, Dean doesn't wake up, he doesn't even stir, and Castiel is left with recent bad memories that overcloud Dean's glimmering soul immediately. Things that shouldn’t happen, blood that shouldn’t be there, on his own hands, bubbling up in Dean’s mouth, and he’s the last place Sam left him, on the couch, eyes currently looking up at Castiel though when the angel moves, they won’t anymore. He can stand here and imagine he was the last thing Dean ever saw, though he so clearly wasn’t. 

So he can’t move, he can’t do anything but stand here and try to say his name out loud again, the only word he’s ever felt right in saying. 

Dean had two protective beings looking after him for longer than he could have imagined; and yet, an angel and an archangel centered on watching his every move hadn't been enough to save him from his inevitable fate. The truth is, Castiel should have been there, it was his responsibility to be there, in the same way that Gabriel was there for Dean in the end solely, and he’s failed in the most vital way, and Gabriel’s eyes are still haunting him, questioning him. 

Dean’s eyes are still watching him ceaselessly. 

Castiel sighs softly, whispers words in Enochian that he barely registers himself speaking, let alone comprehends. But Gabriel doesn't answer... and neither does Dean. Who knows if Dean ever suspected he carried the love of both of them inside him, guiding him always. 

And if Castiel were human, he fears he would feel the life flee him within a single instant, and he envisions himself toppling to the ground, never getting up, never going back until he finds his home again... until he finds Dean again. Until he can physically move and the hunter’s gaze will no doubt follow him wherever he goes, their bond reassuring that notion, his gaze no longer trapped in this one view, his last vision. 

No matter how hard the angel tries he can’t move, and he most certainly cannot forget. He’d give anything for another of Dean’s smiles directed purposely towards him, but that isn’t his to receive anymore and he knows this. He opens his mouth, though reality filters out and then flees him altogether as if vacating a body wracked with insanity. An emptiness wells up inside him that he can’t shake, and he can feel Dean waiting, he can feel Dean smiling and holding out his hand for Castiel to take, telling him they’re family all over again and that he needs him and the angel’s next breath catches in his throat, seemingly with no intention of escaping. 

Gabriel laughs somewhere in the back of his mind: nervous, knowing and anticipating. 'That's it, little bro. That's it.'

**FIN**

**Author's Note:**

> I cried while writing this, so hopefully it’s halfway decent. I was in the mood to write some Castiel, but really, I was just planning for it to be him and Dean and maybe a little angsty but certainly not this, with of course a little Destiel thrown in; but then I had to let Gabriel into it and the desire for even more angst and this is what happened.


End file.
